Where The Cardboard Cutout Leads (One Direction, Zayn x Liam Lemon)
by LemonsRUs888
Summary: Zayn was just an ordinary guy. Walking down the street to get a simple cardboard cut out of his hopefully soon-to-be-wife when all of a sudden, and out of nowhere, A MOB OF FANGIRLS WAS CHASING HIM! Locking himself in a Walmart bathroom will he make it through the night without his cardboard cutout! A/N The random "3" was actually supposed to be part of a heart but it cut off.


**Shizzlemah: Hey guys! so we are the fabulous duo that make up LemonsRUs888!**

**Suurelemoene: Hello there peasants**

**Shizzlemah: What are you doing Suurlemoene! NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO SAY YOUR NAME!**

**Suurelemoene: Good. Let them suffer trying to pronounce it.**

**Shizzlemah: You know you're spelling your own name wrong, right?**

**Suurelemoene: SOME PEOPLE HAVE SPECIAL PROBLEMS SHIZZLEMAH! WE'RE NOT ALL PERFRECT GAWD.**

**Shizzlemah: Yes, seeing how you spelled "perfect" "perfrect" while in the typing of that sentence…**

**Suurelemoene: shut up**

**Shizzlemah: … I think these people came to read our lemon, **_**SUURLEMOENE.**_

**Suurlemoene: Oh yeah. Hello people.**

**Shizzlemah: OK! Now the moment all of you have been waiting for!**

**Suurlemoene: Seriously, you all are perverts.**

**Shizzlemah: DON'T CHASE THEM AWAY SUURLEMOENE!**

**Suurlemoene: ...**

**Shizzlemah: I think we took too long on this, lets just get started.**

**Suurlemoene: Right. So here you go. A LEMON**

Zayn was walking down the street, hoodie up to obscure his face. He just came into New York for a tour around the States and wanted to buy some… stuff (AKA a cardboard cut out of Liam, he had a small... crush on his slightly less famous friend). He was about to turn down the alleyway that hid his car when a girl bumped into him, a _hot_ girl no less. Both fell to the ground with a thud, inconveniently knocking Zayn's hood off.

The girl and Zayn lay there for a moment before she spoke. "I know you! Your Zayn from One Direction!" _oh, so she's a fan… _thought Zayn. _Well this changes…_

"NOTHING!" screamed Zayn pushing the girl over so he could move. "I love Liam not you, peasant!" Then he hissed and ran into the day. Zayn knew he had to get the cardboard cut out (which was totally not purchased on the black market shut up) before anything else could happen that would distract him from his love for Liam.

But this girl was obviously a hardcore fan, and when he says hardcore he meant _hardcore. _After Zayn pushed the rabid child out of the way and ran off in fear, she then proceeded to rip off her white blouse (which looked to be about $100 and newly bought, judging by how the pricetag was still on it) and revealed a "**I LOVE ZAYN**" t-shirt underneath. She then did the call of her kind which, unfortunately for Zayn, resulted in an all out flash mob of fangirls sporting "**I LOVE ZAYN**" or "**ONE DIRECTION IS MY HONEY BOO BOO**" shirts.

The fangirls were either all Olympic runners or hopped up on too much sugar, but soon they caught up to Zayn and were only a few feet behind him. Zayn needed a way to hide because he knew that if they caught him, he wouldn't live to see tomorrow. Quickly, he ran to his nearest Walmart, which was just down the street (because he was in America and they are everywhere). The mob followed him inside so Zayn ran faster than he ever had in his life screaming "SAVE MONEY LIVE BETTER!" Then Zayn had an idea. They were all girls right? And where's the one place no woman is allowed? _The men's bathroom. _So Zayn ran as fast as he could to the back of the store and locked himself in the bathroom. But he could still hear their _claws_ scraping into the door. They might not be able to come in, but they could wait. So, much to his dismay, Zayn was now trapped. Luckily, it was a private bathroom, so there couldn't possibly be any fanboys….

((A/N _**Pay this no mind. its just a convo me and my friend had while making this...**_

"Zane shivered as he came out" right now im imagining him being a turd being pooped out

* * *

><p><strong>Suurlemoene<strong>

10:02 PM

Liam's turd… ))

*****_**flashback***_

_July 23, 2013. Zayn and the rest of the 1D members had just released a new album and were out celebrating by going to Chuck E. Cheese's. Zayn had unfortunately made the mistake of eating a brown block which he found in the ball pit. Needless to say, it wasn't a brown brick._

_Realizing his fault in choosing to ingest the brown substance, Zayn ran into the men's bathroom and threw up in one of the toilets. After emptying his stomach, he flushed the toilet and went to wash his hands._

_Another toilet flushed and a stall door opened and closed. Then, the sound of a phone being dropped reached Zayn's ears. He looked up to see a young boy, who looked around 9, with a casual business-y looking man staring at him wide-eyed. The business man then picked up the young boy, who Zayn guessed to be his son, who was standing in front of the male and threw the poor, unfortunate soul into the door, making a 9-year-old sized hole in the bathroom entrance. The guy then slowly pulled a microphone with a speaker out of his pocket, all without taking his saucer-wide eyes off Zayn's form. Turning the switch to the surface of the mic's handle up to "on" the ultra-casual dude then broke out into one of their new songs: "Best Song Ever". But this wasn't the best song ever that Zayn knew of before. The man's singing was absolutely dreadful. Fire alarms rang, lights burst, the building around them in the process of crumbling to the ground._

"_Zayn," the casual man said when he was done singing, "I love you." The man never once broke eye contact, and by now Zayn could say that he was officially terrified. "Zayn," the man said again, "I think we should get married." Well that was a shock. Zayn stuttered "Um, I hate to break it to you, but um… I'm not really looking for a long term relationship right now." It was the man's turn to be shocked, "You… you… you WHAT!? AM I NOT PRETTY ENOUGH FOR YOU OR SOMETHING?!" Zayn fell over from the force of the man's screams, like a damsel in distress (because he was)._

_The man towered over Zayn who was too weak to stand, "YOU MARRY ME NOW OR ELSE I-" suddenly the man was cut off by another man screaming. "Zayn!" Before he knew what was happening, the man was being tied up and stuffed into a My Little Pony sack. But Zayn was too weak to see who his knight in shining armor was and blacked out. A few minutes later, Zayn awoke to soft hands on his face, "Zayn are you alright?!" Feebly, Zayn opened his eyes and saw his slightly less famous friend, Liam, staring down at him. And in that moment, Zayn felt something change. He vomited. But then he realized, it wasn't just that special little feeling you get just before you vomit, it was also love. Zayn was in love with Liam, and nothing could stop him from making Liam his Honey Boo Boo. _

_***end flashback***_

Zayn shivered as he came back to reality, "Those were dark times." Zayn whispered to himself as he sat down on the cold hard floor of the bathroom. Zayn figured he would be in the bathroom for a while, or at least until the night came, so he might as well make himself comfortable. Zayn reached up to get the toilet paper and was shocked to discover that he was touching….

Charmin Ultra Soft. _These Walmart's sure are classy_ Zayn thought to himself. A little known fact about Zayn was that he was a really good weaver, so in about ten minutes he had woven himself a makeshift bed out of toilet paper. And a toilet paper koala because Zayn had a koala fetish. Upon glancing at his watch Zayn discovered that it was ten in the morning, which was close enough to his bed time. Zayn lay back on his bed and closed his eyes, listening to the dull howls of the fangirls. In a few moments he was almost asleep. But then he heard a voice.

"Um excuse me?" a voice- no a _familiar_ voice said. Zayn sat up and found himself face to face with a face he knew well. (not because he had a framed picture of it or daydreamed about it constantly, what are you talking about? *darts eyes*) In all his grace, beauty, and splendor, sat the man Zayn wanted to be with forever, Liam, hunched over in the cramps of constipation. He was perfect.

Of course, Zayn had to go and ruin it for himself, "LIAM?! WHAT IN THE BLUE BLAZES DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

Liam looked him dead in the eye and said, "I'm pooping." Zayn felt himself falling in love even more by the second. "could you pass me some toilet paper please?" Liam asked. _He's perfect_.

"Iloveyou!" Zayn blurted out.

"What?" Liam asked.

"HERE HAVE A TOILET PAPER KOALA." Zayn yelled as he chucked the koala at Liam's face.

However, the koala Zayn threw at Liam's beautiful and goddess-like face never actually hit his face. It instead hit Liam smack dab in the stomach, the force of the impact causing all of Liam's built up poop to come rocketing out at speeds that almost matched that of the fangirls who were chasing Zayn all the way into the Walmart bathroom. _I'll have to thank the brats later but this is too se-_

"OMG I THINK I HEARD ZAYN POOPING!" An absolutely _petra_fying voice came to Zayn's ears, interrupting his thoughts. Uh oh, there was only one thing worse than eating brown blocks and discovering that they weren't actually brown blocks and then puking in the toilet and having a casual business man sing the worst song ever when it was supposed to be the best song ever. And that was; _fangirls_. _NO!_

"I WANT HIS POOP!" Came another voice, this one sounded closer to the floor, as if trying to see under the crack of the door.

"I LOVE POOP!" Was that a…. guy?

"Uhh, Zayn? What's going on?" Sounded Liam's angelic voice while fangirls… and guys… began clawing the door again and piling up on the threshold to the point where it seemed it would give way. _Well, we're gonna die anyway, so…_

"YOLO!" Zayn whisper yelled, so as to not awaken any more fangirls from miles away, and ran up to Liam and kissed him.

Zayn kissed Liam hard, aiming for Liam's forehead. But just when Zayn's lips were about to meet with the luscious skin above Liam's eyebrows Liam had another episode of poop rocketing out of his butt; it was enough to make Liam lift off the toilet and cause both males' lips meet.

At first nothing happened, and Zayn sat there in shock, but then Liam started to kiss him back! _Woah! _thought Zayn, _This is all happening so fast! Maybe too fast. _But before he could process what was happening, Liam broke away.

"Z-Zayn, I.." Zayn placed a finger on Liam's lips, silencing him before he could finish.

"Hush, my dove. It will all be alright." Zayn whispered.

"But, Zayn, I've never had a… a.." Liam stuttered.

"A what?" Zayn asked.

"I've never had a girlfriend before." Liam said, shyly.

"Wait, what?" Zayn was confused.

"It's just that…" Liam couldn't finish, but Zayn knew just what to do.

He ripped off his pants, revealing his "**I'MMA MAN**" panties. If that wasn't sexy, he didn't know what was.

_**Liam's POV**_

Liam didn't know what was more of a shock: the fact that Zayn wore the exact same pair of "**I'MMA MAN**" panties he wore; or that Zayn actually kissed Liam on the lips! Well, that was more of the help from his poop rocket, but Liam still felt happy.

Liam got up from the toilet he sat on, not bothering to wipe, and pulled up his panties that were down at his ankles, showing off that he wore the same "**I'MMA MAN**" underwear that Zayn was wearing.

"*AUDIBLE GASP* I knew we were perfect for eachother the moment you saved me from that Chuck E. Cheese's business man, Liam!" Zayn said in a quiet voice.

"Zayn."

"Yes, Liam?"

"... I… l-loooo…" Liam had never pronounced the word with it having actual meaning before. It was just so foreign.

Zayn seemed to empathize with Liam's first world problem and came up to him, giving the taller male a bear hug. "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-"

"Bu-"

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….."

"..."

"Iloveyoutoo" Zayn said quickly, a blush forming on his soft looking cheeks. Liam guessed his other cheeks were even softer. So soft that Liam wouldn't allow the man he loved to use any other toilet paper brand besides Charmin Ultra Soft… _I would give anything to be a square of that luxurious toilet paper that Zayn uses when he has to go to the bathroom…_

"Oh but Liam, you can." Zayn said. Little did Liam know, but he had just said that entire sentence out loud. "You can be whatever you want."

Liam looked into Zayn's eyes dramatically, "Even if it's Charmin Ultra Soft?"

Zayn nodded, "Especially if it's Charmin Ultra Soft."

Liam looked down at Zayn with happy eyes, grasping at his shirt like a child would to their parent's pant leg, "I-I can?"

Zayn smiled up at him, "Yes."

Liam grinned, "3"

Zayn nodded, "3 indeed." They both slumped down against the door, the claws of the fanpeople making it vibrate. This was going to be a very long day.

"So what do we do now?" Liam asked Zayn.

"Well….."

Since both Zayn's and Liam's pants were already off they thought they might as well. So they took off their shirts too. However, they couldn't quite bring themselves to take off the "**I'MMA MAN**" panties. But after conversing for a little while Zayn finally brought up that he was on birth control and nothing could possibly happen.

"Oh," said Liam, "well in that case let's do this ." They both stood up from their previous sitting position and ripped off their "**I'MMA MAN**" undy-wundies in a rather dramatic way. Liam stared down at the torn remains of his delicate panties. _So this is love,_ he thought.

Zayn on the other hand was showing a bit more regret over ripping off his favorite pair of undies, "AWWW! WHY DID I DO THAT! THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE PAIR! MAKE IT BETTER LIAM-_KYUN~!" _ Liam smiled and pulled out a tube of crazy glue (don't ask) and fixed the panties as fast as possible.

"YAY! Now we can get started." Zayn grinned.

Liam reached down to hold Zayn's hands, turned him around, and hunched him over. "Okay."

Zayn didn't know what to expect but then Liam could be heard screaming "I'MMA MAN!" Which was soon after followed by a "OH HONEY BOO BOO CHILD!"

And then they escaped with the power of Liam's poop rockets, and Zayn finally got his cardboard cut out of Liam. About a month or so later, Zayn went to the doctor's because he was experiencing unusual pains in his stomach area. Zayn was pregnant. **The End**.


End file.
